..... .... ... .. . mimi

insomnia

its 4 in the morning,bloody hell im trying to freaking sleep!! lately i've been having problems sleeping. well just now, i was lying down starring at my cealing, picked up my ipod listening to songs,closing my eyes,trying to get my rest, but my bloody head keeps telling me to stay up. fuck it,i told myself, i opened up my laptop and decided to write a post...

theres so many things that i wanna write now. i have so much jumbled up feelings in me i dont noe where to start.well in the first place i'm supposed to sleep. haiz, since my one and only left me, i've been having problems sleeping. damn u noe, been missing her till now, yeah rite now. wen i couldnt sleep,i would listen to my ipod and scanned thru my pics with her. well it brings memories uh, nice ones, all would made me remember wat excatly wat happened on that day wen i took the pics wit her uh. wah wonderfull memories. still fresh in my mind. already goin 9 months uh. wow how time flies. i just keep telling myself to move on and maybe inshaallah, thats how i got thru everyday of my life. just telling myself inshaallah. now i realize wat really love is. not just spending time or sharing wit the one and only uh, but also realizing how much that one special soeone could totally effect ones everyday life,ones everyday mood. but i noe uh, that god isnt cruel, i just have to be patient and pray coz this is the obstacles of my life.everyone will have their succes storry eventhou they suffered all their life. so smile eventhou u noe u are sad, coz maybe all this patience and faith will bring happiness. people pity me for what i've gone thru,my life, my childhood, my love but for me i dont think i need that simpathy, coz i take all this as an experience. coz i noe all this experience will make me stronger and make me hunger for happiness and success.one daay uh, inshallah...

i used to cry and hide my feelings coz i lost something so so important to me. i am so gratefull for this experience coz now even when im really missing her, i wouldnt cry wherelse i'll be smilling thinking of all the memories i had with her. sometimes i feel that my feeling have become numb, but what i realize is that i've become stronger.

there was this other girl who loved me in the past. but i ran away, putting my anger and fustration ahead of all my other feelings. it was wrong. i did something so wrong to her. she wanted to love me but i didnt give her a chance. now,i still cant give her a chance coz in my heart i'm still loving someone else. i dont wanna be with her but still loving my past. that be hurting her for the second time.

yeah we still friends coz thats the best that i could be wit her rite now. yeah bet she look good in that kimono uh. well we still laugh and cry together. i can give all my life with her but i can never all my love to her. im sorry, guessed that she have already accepted my apology but well wats wrong to apologize again rite?

be happy with him. build ur love around him. for now he's ur everything. eventhough he hurts u sometimes but thats all a lesson, an experience for u. just love him while u have a chance. tell him how u feel. coz guys will never understand a girl. coz we two different planets. our minds dont think in the same way. we are just dumb. hahaha...

i love her thats why i wan her to be happy. of course, even if it wasnt with me. why can't i still love 2 different people? maybe one is more than the other uh. but thats wrong.

lets jump to another one, haha, yeah! i saw u at harbourfront.u didnt see me, well u walked pass me. my friends were like, "mi,mi," while pointing out a group of girls. u were with ur frens. well yesh u still are gorgeous, but u didnt even realize that u walked pass me. well... next time be sure to say hi yah, u promised me already...

well meeting people from the past brings back memories and smiles uh, but sometimes u just feel u want to be one u really love but u cant. maybe u will love someone more that her..maybe one day...inshaallah...

btw i really wanna get to noe the girl working next door. but i dont have the courage to do it uh. we would just starred at each other for a few sec and just let go and forget about it. im such a coward.. hehe

so now i feel sad,happy,angry,frustrated,contented,depressed but im still smilling...

well thats life...
23 years of life...
still full of suprises to come...

**mimi^botak

p.s i still love u...i think u noe who u are...

Friday, August 29, 2008 // 3:54 AM

my dearest apology

u called,
how are you?fine?
yeah why anything wrong?
nah,just asking, i was just worried about you...
~silence...
so u called to check on me to see how was i doing. worried about me? why? i thing u should worry about yourself more. i'll be fine. im still feeling the same. im used to it already. so just go, worry about urself.

so now our secrects are worry-ing you?

it wrong, wat we shared, dont hurt him just because of me. i'm trying to avoid you. i always tell my mind that you are just an addiction,well i can always kick you out anytime....

i remembered what we had. BUT i cant bear to see soeone hurt bcoz of betrayal. i know, coz i felt that way before. when u had problems with him, i was there for you,trying to put some sense in ur stubborn mind. Yes, im ur angel,but im not ur FATE...
even if we were together...
i could never love you...
coz i loved HER too much for me to love you...

sorry that i cant let go of my past & sorry that i refused to let you hurt someone...

let others hurt you,but dont ever hurt anyone,coz one day it will get back at you....

Friday, August 22, 2008 // 2:09 AM

sinners~

its wrong
everything
so just go away!!!

like wat i did 3 years ago...

Tuesday, August 19, 2008 // 11:03 PM

it was u again...

now wen i tot that i let it all go and that i was feeling all happy and contented...
everything just fades away
i kept thinking

get OUT!!!!!
i feel betrayed,toyed,depressed...

just thinking of u makes me feel so SAD
haiz...

**i still don't understand why...

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
Based on your body language,
your shouted cursive I've been reading
You're style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you can call it fiction
'Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words that paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And it's a beautiful mess, yes it is
It's like, we are picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are, Here we are

**mimi

// 1:33 AM